


This whole, dating thing.

by ToxicPineapple



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, But it's okay, Communication Failure, Gay Momota Kaito, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Internalised Homophobia, Kaito kinda dumb here but it's not his fault, Lack of Communication, Minor Oumasai but it's a past relationship, Momota Kaito Makes Mistakes, One-Sided Relationship, Platonic Relationships, Uncomfortable Conversations, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Crush, and they're both over it, friendships, implied romantic feelings, it's the repression, kind of, not in the toxic way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:00:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23942734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToxicPineapple/pseuds/ToxicPineapple
Summary: Another thing: Suddenly, every spare moment that Kaito’s had has been spent in Maki’s company. At the end of the school day Kaito might, dunno, throw down with Rantaro, or head to his room to jam to some Disney tunes and get a knitting project started. Something to clear his brain, get out energy. And Maki doesn’t necessarily get in the way of that (well, maybe the throwing down thing; kinda hard to start a fight in the presence of your girl, even if it’s a totally bro thing, the fights) but it’s… different, with her around.And Kaito doesn’t get why.---Maki Harukawa is beautiful, and smart, and hilarious. That's why Kaito accepts her love confession. What reason would he have not to like her back, after all?The only thing is he's pretty sure he's doing something wrong, because like... he can't make himself believe that relationships are actually supposed to feel like this.
Relationships: Harukawa Maki/Momota Kaito (unrequited), Momota Kaito & Oma Kokichi, Momota Kaito/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 8
Kudos: 92





	This whole, dating thing.

**Author's Note:**

> written for the fic exchange on my server!

_ I need to talk to you  _ is a loaded statement for most people. It isn’t for Kaito, though.

The way he figures it, there’s not much of a point to overanalysing things-- there’s one set outcome to every situation, and regardless of whether he stresses himself out over it, things will end how they will. What difference does it make if he keeps himself up all night worrying about something that he has no way of changing? The answer is, it doesn’t make a difference. So when he gets the opportunity to stress out, he doesn’t. Simple as that.

It’s not quite that simple for other people, though. Like Shuichi, for example? He goes crazy over things that are out of his control. In fact, that’s probably what gets him so bad; that he can’t control it. That he has no say in the outcome of a situation drives Shuichi crazy, for some reason. There’s this face that Shuichi makes when he’s stressing out about something, where his eyebrows press together and he chews on his bottom lip, and then his shoulders get all tensed up, and-- yeah, Shuichi’s definitely prone to that stuff. Kaito doesn’t really understand it. Like, why worry about what you can’t change? But he also knows that it’s not something that Shuichi can just choose not to do. So Kaito tries not to be an asshole about it.

All attempts at being empathetic aside, when Maki approaches him at breakfast (her lips turned down at the corners in the way they do when she’s nervous about something) and quietly says the magic words, Kaito doesn’t think anything of it. It’s just his friend Maki who has something she wants to talk about. Maybe she’s stressing out over some schoolwork. Not that she ever does poorly, like, academically speaking… in fact, Maki’s super smart! Sure, she’s no astronaut, but she’s a damn good student! That being said, even the best students need help sometimes. (Except Kaito, of course. Kaito never needs help with his studies.)

When Maki turns and walks away, her twintails swishing behind her, Kaito has about a fraction of a second to exchange a glance with Shuichi, who has an… odd, he supposes, look on his face.

“Wonder what that’s about,” Kaito grunts, if only because Shuichi’s expression is somewhat expectant. “Have you noticed Harumaki being upset about anything lately?”

“Ah, I don’t think it’s a matter of upset,” Shuichi smiles. “But I have a hunch as to what’s on her mind.”

“Saihara-kun!” Kaede swats his arm, huffing, and he gives her an abashed-- but not truly apologetic-- laugh in return. “Just follow her, Momota-kun, you’ll understand in a minute.” She pumps her fists, giving a bright, encouraging smile, and so Kaito shrugs. If Kaede and Shuichi know what Maki wants to talk to him about (or have a hunch, as Shuichi said) then it’s probably not something that bad. Maybe Maki has good news to share, like that cult organisation that forced her into being an assassin disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Wouldn’t that be fantastic? He shouldn’t jump to conclusions, though. If he says something like that and it turns out that’s not the case, Maki would probably feel like shit.

  
He finds Maki waiting just outside the dining hall, her arms crossed over her chest. She looks distinctly uncomfortable, but when Kaito closes the door she pushes herself off the wall, closing her eyes and brushing her hair out of her face. She doesn’t speak right away, so Kaito takes the time to do a quick once-over, make sure that Maki really  _ is  _ okay, and that nothing absolutely terrible has happened to her as of late. She seems a bit apprehensive, but not deeply troubled. One of her hands is frozen at the side of her face, her fingers twirling in the longer strands on the left of her fringe, but aside from a slight crinkle in her brow she doesn’t look particularly shaken.

Before he can come to any real conclusions, Maki opens her eyes and blurts, “I have feelings for you.”

Feelings? Kaito rolls the statement over in his head, trying to figure out what she means. “Uh, what kind of feelings?” he asks. Maki scoffs at him, averting her gaze, and even in the dim lighting of the hallway Kaito is able to see it as her cheeks bloom cherry red.  _ Oh. Those kind of feelings.  _ “Wait-- like, romantic feelings?” He knows that he sounds flabbergasted, which probably doesn’t feel the best, but he can’t help it. And now Maki is glaring at him, tugging on one of her twintails.

“Of course. Why would I word it that way if I was just trying to express my appreciation for a friend?” She sounds irritated, but Kaito can tell that she’s more… upset, really, than she is annoyed. Sometimes it’s kind of hard to tell how she’s feeling, but they’ve been friends for almost a full year at this point (as it’s May of their second year and they started talking in July of their first) so Kaito’s getting a lot better at reading her. Her brows are pressing together again, and she’s rolling her lower lip between her teeth, which… yeah, she’s totally upset.

Kaito’s heart leaps. He’s not really sure to identify the feeling that’s currently making the tips of his fingers feel kinda numb, though. On the one hand, like-- well, Maki’s cute. She’s smart and funny and observant. Out of all the girls in their class, Maki is arguably the most attractive. Her eyes are a vibrant shade of red and her hair is really long and elegant. It looks silky. Kaito noticed all of these things a  _ while _ ago… but, kind of as an afterthought. The reason they started texting last summer was because Kaito noticed she was isolating herself a lot, and Kokichi was picking on her so consistently that she never made any attempts to actually befriend people. It was more of a  _ I think this person should have a friend  _ situation than a  _ this girl is pretty so I’m going to hit her up,  _ y’know?

Plus, like, Kaito’s never even thought about it before. Maybe he does return her feelings? She has smooth, cool hands, but the times that he’s held them they haven’t really seemed to fit right. Sometimes Maki will smile at him, soft and small and begrudging, and Kaito will grin, but his heart never flutters or anything like that. He’d call it all myth, the heart fluttering and the hand fitting perfectly in his own, but he  _ has  _ experienced that before… just, with Shuichi, not Maki. Shuichi’s smiles light up the whole room when he means them. Maki’s sort of… provide extra warmth. In a friendly way.

Still, though, he can tell that his silence is making her nervous. And Maki  _ is  _ an extremely pretty girl. He’d probably be pretty stupid to turn down this kind of an advance. Plus, like… Maki’s opened up so much in the past year. She actually  _ laughs  _ in front of people now. Kaito’s not dense enough to claim credit for all of that-- it’s been Maki’s own hard work that took her that far, not anything that he did-- but maybe… maybe if he rejected her, she’d feel hurt? And if she was hurt, maybe she’d regress a bit? Or even if she didn’t-- maybe she wouldn’t want to talk to Kaito anymore. Wouldn’t want to stay friends with him after he hurt her. Which would be totally valid, it’s not like Maki is obligated to stay friends with the people who hurt her… and Kaito doesn’t want to hurt her, anyway, in the first place, so…

“You don’t have to look at me like that,” Maki grumbles, her face reddening further. “Like you’re scrambling for the right way to reject me. I get it, it’s fine, I’m just going to--” she starts to turn around and leave, and Kaito’s heart stumbles over itself, so he reaches out to grab her arm, stopping her from going.

“Harumaki, wait,” he breathes, and Maki does, but she doesn’t turn back around, doesn’t look at him. Kaito swallows. “I-- wow, I’m-- surprised, that’s all, I’m not going to reject you--” he clears his throat. “I mean, I know I’m a catch, being the Luminary of the Stars and all-- but I didn’t think that you’d…” God, what is he even saying? “I-I don’t really know what to say, but that’s not ‘cause I don’t return your feelings, it’s more like-- I don’t know how to, uh, say what I’m thinking. Y’know?”

Maki turns around now, her brows pressing together suspiciously. The frown that appears on her face is a little bit cute. “Really?” She asks quietly. “Are you… do you mean that you…” she doesn’t finish the thought, and Kaito becomes aware of an odd thrumming in his chest. He calls it anxiety, or maybe just nerves. People feel nervous, when they’re expression feelings for the person they like, right? It’s the first time he’s felt this way with Maki, but-- maybe that’s why he likes her?

“Shit, I’m kinda bad at this, huh?” Kaito smiles sheepishly, shakily, rubbing the back of his neck with the hand that isn’t holding Maki’s arm. Her lips curl up slightly and her eyebrows raise, but she doesn’t reply. “You’re really gonna make me say it?” He was sort of hoping that she would ask him the question and he could just nod, or something, because that feels a lot better than actually saying the words (in fact it seems to him that if he opens his mouth and tries to say it, all of it will just get lodged in his throat on the way out) but… maybe it’s hard for her, too. She already said how she feels, so he probably owes her the same… as a man, right? “Okay,” he sighs. “I like you too, Harumaki.”

She doesn’t seem to notice the way that he stumbles over the nickname, which… small victories. Or maybe she does, and she just decides not to comment. In fact, she doesn’t say anything at all, she just cracks a real smile, a brilliant smile by any means, looking shyly up at him through her eyelashes. Maki really  _ is  _ pretty, and when she smiles like this her eyes look softer. Kinder, younger. Less of those harsh lines and angry scowls. Kaito feels a pressure in his chest but ignores it, releasing her arm and reaching up to brush her fringe away from her forehead, where he plants a light, feathery kiss.

And he’s kissed her there before, on the forehead-- sort of a, friendly gesture as a friend who wants to help her improve, but when he pulls away his lips sort of burn, and when Maki follows him, cupping his face with both hands and standing on her toes to kiss him (he still has to stoop down a bit; Maki’s pretty short) he identifies the pressure in his chest, the odd pattern that his heart is beating at, as dread.

But why would he be feeling dread? It’s Maki. He likes Maki. Obviously.

\---

Kaito isn’t exactly sure what to expect from this whole dating thing. It’s not something that he’s ever put a lot of thought into before. Well-- okay, maybe that’s a lie. But when he’s thought about it, dating and all that, it’s never been Maki who’s come to mind. Not that he doesn’t like her, because he does like her; she’s pretty and funny and she likes  _ him,  _ so he obviously likes her. It’s just that… well, Kaito’s thought about dating before. Once in his third year of middle school, he had a friend back then named Isamu, and his eyes were such a bright green it was like they glowed in the dark-- but that was more like a, theoretical thing, because Isamu was pretty touchy, so it was natural that Kaito would’ve thought about that, with him. Doesn’t mean he’s gay.

(And the other notable times he’s thought about it… have been with Shuichi. But only sometimes. Like when Shuichi peers at him through his eyelashes, a playful smile quirking his lips or else a light flush dusting over his cheeks and nose… yeah, easy to think about it with Shuichi.)

It becomes clear to Kaito through the rest of the week and then the weekend that follows that Maki apparently  _ has  _ thought about it. A lot, presumably, because she seems to know all the ways to behave. Even if she does it in a kind of… flustered, way. That’s just how Maki is, though. Kaito isn’t reading into it too much.

There’s a lot of handholding. Like, a lot of it. Going between classes and meals and around the school. The hugs and the kisses on the cheek and forehead are less out of the blue, Kaito supposes, but the handholding is almost a jarring change. Not necessarily a bad one-- because Maki’s hands are pretty pleasant to hold, actually, even if they don’t feel exactly  _ made  _ to fit inside of his-- but it’s… a change nonetheless. One that he wasn’t anticipating.

Another thing: Suddenly, every spare moment that Kaito’s had has been spent in Maki’s company. At the end of the school day Kaito might, dunno, throw down with Rantaro, or head to his room to jam to some Disney tunes and get a knitting project started. Something to clear his brain, get out energy. And Maki doesn’t necessarily get in the way of that (well, maybe the throwing down thing; kinda hard to start a fight in the presence of your girl, even if it’s a totally bro thing, the fights) but it’s… different, with her around.

And Kaito doesn’t get  _ why.  _ Maki has a pretty lowkey, underwhelming presence. She’s a quiet, fun person to be around. Someone who’s never, prior to the beginning of this week, given him anxiety before. They’ve spent a lot of time alone together, actually! Over the summer they met up a few times, went out for boba or threw some weights around at the gym-- Maki is way stronger than him what with that assassin gig and all-- and none of that ever felt… weird. Or pressure-y. Or any way that it shouldn’t have. It just felt like, y’know, spending time with your pal. Hanging out. Being young, whatever.

Now when Maki sits in his room, humming the harmonies in  _ When You Wish Upon A Star  _ or flipping through a book from his shelf, he feels weird. Like he has to do something, or say something. Reach out and take her hand or something. She seems perfectly happy to just sit there, spending time with him, and yet Kaito still feels weird about it. Maybe that’s just what it’s like dating people? Having this feeling like you should constantly be on your guard, constantly smiling, constantly holding hands? But that doesn’t seem… right, Kaito doesn’t know. If that’s what it’s like then Kaito can’t fathom why anybody would date, ever.

What Kaito really wants to do is ask Shuichi, because Shuichi  _ has  _ dating experience. He’s dated a couple people in their class, and apparently he had a girlfriend prior to attending Hope’s Peak Academy. Plus, Shuichi is… comforting. And it doesn’t feel weird asking him for advice or for input, because he doesn’t make a big deal out of it. He’s calm and objective while still being sympathetic. Kaito likes talking to Shuichi, likes hearing his opinion on situations, even if they’re not big deals.

But what Shuichi  _ also  _ is, is best friends with Maki. When Kaito told Shuichi that he and Maki were now an item, a smile appeared on Shuichi’s face and he said, “I thought she was planning on confessing. She didn’t tell me, but I figured.” Then he laced his fingers together, tilting his head to the side. “I’m glad you feel the same, Momota-kun. She’s liked you for a really long time.”

That felt  _ fantastic  _ to hear, it really did. Kaito had to excuse himself to the bathroom and splash cold water on his face. He’s being such a pussy about all of this. Hearing that a girl like Maki has liked him for a really long time should make him happy. He should be grinning every second, unable to believe his luck. Instead he kind of just feels like he’s a paid actor in a reality TV show. It’s not the best feeling in the world and Kaito doesn’t get what’s wrong with him. But he can’t go to Shuichi for advice.

So he goes to the  _ other  _ person in their class with some dating experience, even though it really pains him to do so. Partly because it’s Shuichi’s ex-- but also because it’s Kokichi. And if there’s anybody who specialises in making a big deal out of things that shouldn’t be, it’s… Kokichi.

He catches Kokichi as they’re all on the way to the locker room after gym. His call of  _ hey, Ouma!  _ gets a couple weird looks from the other guys who are standing around, namely Kiibo (who is Kokichi’s friend and therefore walking with him to the locker room) but also Shuichi, presumably because Shuichi knows of Kaito and Kokichi’s distaste for each other and can’t fathom a reason why Kaito would want to talk to him alone. Shuichi goes on ahead when Kaito gestures for him to, catching up to Korekiyo and engaging him in a conversation, but Kiibo hangs back.

Kokichi’s expression is hard to read. Scrutinising, though. His brows raise just the slightest bit, and Kaito half thinks he’s going to say something insulting, but then he just points at the locker room with his shoulder, gesturing for Kiibo to go. The robot shrugs. (He doesn’t have much of a reason to go to the locker room, considering that he doesn’t even really  _ do  _ gym, being a robot in all, but he hangs around to be with the rest of the class.) Neither of them says anything else until Kiibo is gone and the gym is empty.

“Okay, stop making that face,” Kokichi closes his eyes, reaching back to adjust his ponytail, a wrinkle appearing between his eyebrows. “You look all pathetic and sad and it’s really weird.”

“I’m not pathetic,” Kaito defends, but from the look that Kokichi shoots him, he knows it’s kind of halfhearted. “Look, I just-- I wanted some advice, okay?”

“Advice?” Kokichi repeats, the corner of his mouth twitching, threatening to spread into a mocking smile. “From lil ol’ me?” He flutters his eyelashes. “Well, I can probably help you, but it’ll come with a price, y’know,” he looks down at his fingernails. “Depending on the question I’ll either be taking just you or both you and your girlfriend into my organisation as recruits.”

“Cut it out, Ouma,” Kaito sighs, running a hand through his hair. It’s not his favourite texture, the gel all crusted and mingling with sweat from doing gym, but he didn’t get to shower last night because he was so busy stressing out over the Maki situation. Good thing that gym exists. “Look, it’s about-- it’s about that.”

“That? You mean my organisation?” Kokichi tilts his head. “Or your ‘girlfriend’?” He does air quotes when he says  _ girlfriend,  _ his brows raising. Kaito opens his mouth to snap at the insinuation that Maki isn’t really his girlfriend, but the words kind of fall dead in his throat. Kokichi raises his eyebrows. “Oh. Right on the nose, huh?” He sighs, rubbing the back of his neck.

“It’s not like that,” Kaito mumbles, shoving his hands into the pockets of his gym shorts. “I like Harumaki a lot. It’s not that I don’t want to be dating her.” When Kokichi raises his eyebrows, he snaps, “I mean it!”

“Okay, don’t take this the wrong way,” prefaces Kokichi, holding up his hands in a gesture of surrender. “But I totally thought you were-- y’know. On my side of things.” He gestures aimlessly.

“What does that mean?”

“Gay, Momota-chan,” Kokichi scoffs.

“What? No!” Kaito shakes his head furiously, waving his hands in front of himself. “I’m not gay! I totally like girls-- I mean, I thought Akamatsu was super hot at the beginning of the year.” Not that she’s not still hot, but it’s more of a muted observation now than much else. Actually that’s kind of all it’s ever been, a muted observation. Kaito doesn’t really have any particularly strong attraction to any of his friends. (Except Shuichi, but that’s not necessarily something that kaito’s ready to confront, much less in front of Kokichi.) “And Harumaki is stunning!”

“You can think someone’s attractive without wanting to bang them,” Kokichi shrugs, resting his arms behind his neck. “Like, that slut, Iruma-chan? Objectively, she’s super duper pretty! It’s just her personality that’s rotten! Nishishi, just kidding, of course, Iruma-chan is fine. Not that you heard that from me,” he shrugs. “But I can notice that about her without liking her. I’m suuuper into guys, y’know?”

“That-- That doesn’t matter, because I’m still not gay!” Kaito begins to say more, defend his point, but then he scowls, realising something. “Hey, why am I defending myself to you? This isn’t even what I wanted to talk about! I’m not having a sexuality crisis!”

“Yeah, I guess you could just not like Harukawa-chan,” muses Kokichi. “But, fine. If your problem isn’t that you let yourself get pressured into an unrequited relationship with your best friend, then what  _ is  _ the problem? Are her tits too small?”

“Don’t talk about Harumaki like that,” Kaito grumbles, rubbing his arm. Kokichi giggles but doesn’t say anything. “Look, it’s more like… I don’t think I’m dating her right. Or I don’t feel like I’m doing anything properly? You can’t tell anyone this,” he prefaces, and Kokichi raises his eyebrows, smiling placidly. “It’s just-- I’ve never dated anybody before, and I’m not sure what it’s supposed to feel like, but I’m pretty sure what I’m feeling isn’t-- right, y’know? So I was wondering…”

“What it was like for me, dating Shuichi-chan?” Kokichi’s smile becomes more knowing, which is an annoying look, but Kaito just nods. At least he’s intelligent enough to pick up on things so that Kaito doesn’t have to say them outright. “And you’re not asking him because… gotcha,” Kokichi nods, and Kaito blinks. How would he know about Kaito’s reservations about Shuichi so immediately? Kokichi can’t be  _ that  _ good at reading people, it’s just not possible. Or fair, for that matter. “Well, I dunno how else to put it: Extremely kinky.”

“Don’t fuck around, Ouma,” Kaito groans.

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Kokichi snickers. “I bet hearing about Shuichi-chan’s kinks from me of all people would destroy you, nishishi.”

“What’s that supposed to--”

“It was nice, y’know?” Kokichi examines his fingernails. “I’m totally over him now-- we dated almost six months ago! But it was still nice. For the first few weeks he was all I could think about and the only person I wanted to be around. I wanted to kiss him a lot and thinking about it made my chest feel all icky and gross. Easy to feel like that with Shuichi-chan.” Kokichi pauses, giving Kaito a weird look. “But the most important thing was that he made me feel comfortable and safe. When we were together I liked who I was, and I liked him even more. I was able to relax around him. Be genuine or whatever you losers treasure in relationships.”

Comfortable and safe, huh? It’s hard to imagine Kokichi unwinding like that in front of another person, but if anybody could make him feel comfortable like that… it would be Shuichi, probably. Shuichi’s just like that, he makes people feel comfortable. Kaito can’t recall a time when Shuichi made his chest crawl with anxiety, or his stomach twist, or whatever else… he doesn’t have to worry about what he says around the guy. Still, should that be what he’s aiming for with Maki? That kind of security? It’s hard to imagine getting that with anyone  _ but  _ Shuichi.

“You’re such an open book, Momota-chan,” Kokichi rolls his eyes. “Look, you wanted my advice? Talk to Harukawa-chan and tell her that you’re feeling uncomfortable or whatever. If you really like her like you say,” and something in Kokichi’s tone makes Kaito feel like he doubts it, “then the relationship will be worth making better. Not everything’s perfect at first.”

He turns and starts to walk towards the locker rooms, his arms flying up to rest behind his neck like he does. Kaito doesn’t move though, he just watches Kokichi retreat for a moment, and then he calls out, “Uh, Ouma!” When Kokichi turns around, he coughs into his fist, feeling his neck warm. “Thanks.”

“Hmm?” Kokichi smiles, tilting his head to the side. “For what? Happy to get a new member of my organisation, y’know?”   
  


Kaito scoffs. A likely story. He  _ does  _ owe Kokichi one now, though. “Can you not tell anybody about this?”

“And who would I tell?” Kokichi snorts. “My boyfriend? C’mon, Momota-chan, you need a shower. You smell super duper yucky.”

Just this once, Kaito decides to let the insult slide, jogging after Kokichi in the hopes that he’ll still have time to wash his hair.

\---

The only real problem with Kokichi’s advice is that it requires Kaito to talk to Maki. Which translates into  _ confrontation. _ And on paper it’s not that much of a big deal, since he’s like, a  _ man,  _ y’know? He should be able to confront his problems, no problem! Putting stuff off is cowardly. That being said, the thought of going to Maki and talking about it is… intimidating, and Kaito is deeply reluctant.

For a couple reasons, but the most pressing of these is the fact that Kaito already  _ said  _ he likes her back. Like, even if what he isn’t planning on breaking up with her, bringing up something like this when he already said he likes her (especially since they’ve only been dating for two weeks so far) just feels… it feels dishonest. And Kaito doesn’t like the thought of approaching her and saying that he feels wrong being in this relationship. Maybe he should wait a bit before talking to her. What’s a good amount of time to wait before confronting relationship issues? Kaito doesn’t really have any experience in these kinds of situations-- what would be appropriate? Waiting a week? Two? He definitely has to do it before summer vacation, which means he has what, two months to get things sorted out?

Going on like this for two months sounds kind of (extremely) unbearable, though. He hates the sticky feeling of anxiety he gets whenever Maki laces her fingers through his, or whenever Kaede laughs and comments on how cute of a couple they are. He can’t put up with that for two whole months. Two  _ weeks, _ though, he can do two weeks. A month together is a good amount of time, isn’t it? Besides, he likes Maki, so it’s not like he’s breaking up with her in two weeks. He’ll just be… talking to her. Like Kokichi said. It’ll be fine. He’ll work it out.

There’s an issue with giving yourself a set amount of time to wait before you act on a problem, though. Once you give yourself a day to look forward to, a time when something presumably good is going to happen, the days seem to go by slow as molasses. Kaito marks the date when he’s going to talk to her on a paper calender he keeps in a box in his closet, and every night after training he checks it, reaffirming to himself that he still knows how long it’s got to be. Twelve days. Eleven. Ten.

It’s hard to focus on other shit. That’s probably Kaito’s least favourite thing about dating, that it’s the only thing that’s on his mind, like,  _ ever.  _ Kokichi described feeling that way too, when he was dating Shuichi, but he described it as a good thing? Like a happy, lovesick daydreaming that he constantly got into. Kaito is neither happy nor lovesick. Like, sure, he likes Maki just fine, but he doesn’t really… daydream about her. His thoughts are consumed by their relationship but not by her. He doesn’t feel excited to spend time alone with her. He’s… definitely doing something wrong, in this relationship.

At dinner on a Tuesday (eight days left) their usual spot is only occupied by him and Shuichi. Apparently Maki and Kaede are hanging out, having a girl’s night, or something, and Kaito had to actively try to hide the wave of relief that hit him when Maki told him after class, as well as the hot rush of guilt that filled his chest in its wake. They aren’t talking about much of anything, just chattering on about things that don’t matter. Shuichi’s atrocious eating habits. On a different kind of night, under normal circumstances, Kaito might reach out with his chopsticks and snatch a piece of Shuichi’s pork. Just as a joke, a friendly thing-- it’s the way that they tease each other. But he feels like he can’t do that, now. He really hates that this whole dating thing is making him feel like he can’t relax around his friends.

Shuichi gives him a strange look, drawing a smiley face in the condensation of his water glass. He doesn’t say anything immediately but it must be obvious that Kaito is feeling kind of down, because there’s a wrinkle in his forehead. Kaito tries to school his expression into something more lax, but it’s probably a bit too late for that. Shuichi sighs, lowering his chopsticks down to his plate, and frowns.

“Alright. What’s the matter?” he asks. He’s speaking softly, as he tends to do as it pertains to sensitive questions like that, but Kaito still feels his stomach twisting. “You’ve been withdrawn all week. Did you and Harukawa-san have a fight?”

“What? No, man, nothing like that-- nothing’s wrong,” he shakes his head quickly, pretending that he doesn’t notice the disbelieving look that Shuichi shoots in his direction. “I’m just, y’know, thinking about that assignment from last week.”

“We turned it in yesterday,” Shuichi remarks. That’s news to Kaito; he hasn’t done it. Must’ve been too distracted with this mess. He groans, though it’s really more of an infuriated outtake of air than much else, and grabs his own water glass, bringing it to his lips. If only for something to do. The water is cold but it still seems to go down his throat remarkably slowly. He knows Shuichi is frowning at him so he avoids his gaze still, twiddling his thumbs after putting down the water. “I’d like to request that you give me just a little bit more credit than this, Momota-kun, I  _ am  _ your friend,” Shuichi has a slight smile in his voice, but it’s chagrined and Kaito can hear it. “You can talk to me if something’s going on.”

“Not a big deal, man,” Kaito shrugs, deciding to switch tacks. “Don’t worry about it. The job of a sidekick is to be helped, not to help, y’know?” He rolls his shoulders. “Not that you’re not good at helping, it’s just that that’s not really my pl--”

“I thought we were past that,” Shuichi says quietly. He sounds almost… hurt, which makes Kaito’s heart leap up into his throat, and when he turns to look at his friend, he sees that Shuichi is tugging on a piece of his hair, like he’d like to be tugging down his hat. He hasn’t worn his hat since first year, though, which tells Kaito that… he’s upset. “You don’t need to isolate yourself. We’ve… we’ve spoken about your problems in the past, haven’t we?”

Well, they  _ have,  _ but the thing is that was before Kaito started dating Maki, and before Shuichi started wearing these weird, difficult-to-read smiles every time they act couple-y in any way. It’s not that Shuichi’s been emotionally unavailable, he’s just been… quieter, whenever Maki’s been around, recently. Kaito hasn’t been sure what to make of it, but he’s been so consumed by other things that he just took it as a cue to pull away a bit and let things rest. Plus, Shuichi said that he’s happy they’re together. And in the past he’s heard Shuichi calling Maki his sister. He’d be upset-- as in really upset-- if Kaito confessed to how he’s feeling. Shuichi has actual dating experience. He’ll know right away that Kaito is doing something wrong. And he doesn’t think he could handle the disappointment in his grey eyes if he found out.

And… it’s not  _ like that,  _ between them, but confiding in Shuichi feels… wrong. In a way that confiding in Kokichi didn’t. Like he’s betraying Maki-- when he wouldn’t be, since Shuichi is his friend. That’s all, he’s his friend. His best, closest friend, the only person at this school who’s seen him cry and the person he called on the phone last summer when he had a nightmare about his parents-- but his  _ friend.  _ Just his friend. No matter how much Kaito used to think about it whenever he couldn’t sleep at night.

(Those thoughts used to be comforting, but now they just make Kaito feel slightly sick. And like he wants to cry, which is pathetic, alone and in the dark in his own room. That’s not to say he  _ hasn’t  _ cried, though, just a little bit. Without fully understanding why.)

“I’m sorry,” Shuichi breaks the silence Kaito hadn’t realised had fallen, casting his gaze down on his plate. “It’s probably personal and I shouldn’t be prying.” His tone is unsteady but Kaito recognises it-- usually he talks like that when he wants to cry, or something. Which makes him panic a little bit.

“Shuichi--”   
  


“It’s alright,” Shuichi gets to his feet, grabbing his plate and giving Kaito a fleeting smile. “Worry about yourself right now, whatever is going on with you probably isn’t easy.” He uses the hand that isn’t holding his plate to reach out and squeeze Kaito’s shoulder. The pressure is stabilising in a way, but seeing Shuichi chew the inside of his cheek as he walks away makes something solid and painful form in the pit of his stomach.

It isn’t until Shuichi is gone from the dining hall and the door has long since swung shut that Kaito realises why he wants to cry; for a minute there, he was seriously wishing he could get up and throw his arms around Shuichi. Hug him tight until everything completely fades into the background. Despite how many hugs he’s gotten from Maki recently, Kaito feels as though he hasn’t received a positive touch in an eternity.

\---

After that, Kaito feels… weird, about the prospect of talking to Shuichi. Or even meeting his eyes, really. Every time he thinks about it he feels a lump forming in his throat, and so he has to stop or else he’ll start crying which would be pathetic, it truly would. The thing with avoiding interacting with Shuichi, though, is that it’s not  _ easy.  _ Because Shuichi is his best friend and so much of what Kaito likes about his school, about his social life, it hinges on him. Plus, there’s no way to ask Maki to avoid him without explaining to her what happened. And then she’ll want to know what he was upset about, what he couldn’t tell Shuichi. And obviously he can’t tell her that.

So instead he avoids the whole group of them. Slips from his room at five in the morning to run laps around the school, takes his breakfast up to his lab and eats in there, staring down at the premises from the window. He slips into class in the nick of time, just before the bell every morning, so nobody can ask any questions-- and if he ever has to interact with a classmate then he turns and talks to Ryoma, who sits on his right, ignoring the eyes that he can feel prickling at the back of his neck.

And there’s something nice about solitude, in a poetic way at least, like this sort of… constant quiet that allows him room to sort through his thoughts. It gives him space to breathe, without having to worry about being a man or a boyfriend or whatever else he’s been for the past three weeks(almost a month now). Kaito’s had ample time recently to focus on his schoolwork, since he’s not hanging out with anybody or cracking jokes or even really knitting, since it feels tainted now that he’s done so much of it with Maki in the room.

Mostly he feels awful, though. Because he likes his friends so much-- they’re his friends and he likes being around them. It doesn’t have to be more complicated than that. The reason they’re his friends is  _ because  _ he likes them. There’s nothing else to consider. Plus, Kaito likes company. Talking to people, bouncing ideas or else just rambling about things that don’t matter. The thing he likes most about Maki is that… well, she’s a good listener. She’s so no-nonsense about everything, but when she looks at you, she like,  _ really  _ looks at you. She doesn’t speak when you’re speaking and she takes time to consider her responses. A lot of people (Kaito included, admittedly) only listen to contribute. They spend half the time that another person is talking thinking up their response. Maki’s not like that. She listens to listen.

(Shuichi is the same way, actually, but Kaito really doesn’t want to think about Shuichi, right now.)

Actually, all the time by himself has given Kaito space to… to think about Maki, and what he likes about her. He likes her laugh because it makes her seem so much younger, the out of place wrinkles in her features smoothing out so she looks his age again. He likes how steady her hands are and how straightforward she is, the way that she gets a goal and then she strives for nothing else. Procrastination is a foreign concept to Maki. If she has something to do then she gets it done. If there’s an obstacle in her path then she finds her way around it. She’s resourceful and intentional and… wise, she’s really wise. Kaito misses the sound of her scoff, of her derisive snorts and aggravated eye rolls. Sure she’s pretty-- she’s absolutely gorgeous. But that’s not what Kaito likes about her.

More than that, all of those things are… traits he appreciates in friends. People who he likes to spend time with but doesn’t necessarily want to hold  _ hands  _ with. Kaito knows that Maki is pretty, and she’s smart and witty and kind at heart, but she’s also… she’s his friend. The first time Kaito saw Maki smile was in August of last year. They went to a lake together, by his grandparents’ house, and sat at the dock, kicking their feet in the water and talking about their classmates. It was nothing like the wide, full-face smiles that Kaede gives so frequently, or the gentle, understanding ones that Shuichi wears in one-on-one conversation, but it was… a smile. And Kaito felt a surge of warmth in his chest at the sight of it.

Not the same kind of surge of warmth he felt back when Isamu used to smile at him, or even Shuichi. More like the kind of surge of warmth he’d feel if a kid he was mentoring got a math problem right. Or maybe if one of his friends overcame a barrier, worked through something difficult in their life.

In other words, not the kind of surge of warmth he should feel when seeing his  _ girlfriend  _ smile. But Kaito’s been thinking about that, too, and… well, he likes Maki, but he’s not sure that he really  _ likes  _ her. He’s never been really sure about that actually but the thought of rejecting her was just… it was too painful. Coming clean and telling the truth after he already told her that he likes her, it’s just not… it wouldn’t feel right. Knowing this he’s able to answer for himself, the reason why he feels so wrong acting like her boyfriend (and, infuriatingly, it means that Kokichi was exactly right) but it doesn’t make things better. He still doesn’t know what to do. Or how to broach the topic, now that he hasn’t spoken to her in almost a week.

On Sunday, Kaito is planning to spend the whole day in his room, killing time, but he gets up early to head to the kitchen and get some food first, because he’ll want to be snacking while he does so. The plan for today is to keep ignoring his problems, putting off acting on them and quietly hoping to himself that they go away without his having to confront anything--

But as he opens the door to the main building, those plans all fly out the window, and Kaito finds himself standing face to face with the very person he’s been trying not to think about. Before he can say anything, Maki speaks.

“You’ve been avoiding me.” It’s not a question, or even an accusation. A statement. Maki doesn’t deal in the first two, after all. It would only ever be a statement. Usually that’s one of her positive traits but right now it makes Kaito’s stomach twist with anxiety. He hasn’t even begun to think out what he wants to say to her-- right now is an  _ extremely  _ inconvenient time for her to be confronting him. “Why?”

“I-- I haven’t been avoiding you,” Kaito sputters. Maki doesn’t even dignify that with a response, just a sarcastic eyebrow raise, and he sighs, slumping against the door frame. “Not… you  _ specifically,  _ at least. Not at first.”   
  


“What does that even mean?” Maki crosses her arms over her chest. “If something happened to you and you’re upset I want to hear about it. But you’ve been completely ghosting everybody. You have read receipts on, you know,” she gestures at her cell phone, tucked into the pocket of her jeans. “I know when you’ve seen my messages.”

Yikes. Kaito winces. He hasn’t even been reading the messages, just been clicking the notifications so that they’ll go away. Go figure that he’d have forgotten to go into settings and turn that off. Now Maki probably feels way worse.

“Is it about me?” Maki asks. When Kaito meets her gaze, she’s frowning. She looks… worried. “I’m not going to say that I’m not angry because that would be a lie, but more prominently I’m concerned. Did I do something wrong?”

“No! No, you didn’t do anything wrong, not a thing, I--” Kaito groans, running his hand through his hair. This sucks. Of course Maki would think she fucked up in some way. Before being friends with Kaito she had  _ nobody.  _ He didn’t have to date her but the least he could’ve done was be honest. He just doesn’t know how to say the words that have been bouncing around in his head for the past week. His throat feels dry. “I’m sorry. I’ve been acting like a coward. Should’ve just come clean and told you. That’s… my bad.”

Maki furrows her brow at him. “Told me what?” She gives him a measured look. “That you don’t have feelings for me?”

The guess is so spot-on that Kaito’s throat immediately dries itself out and he loses all ability to speak, meeting her gaze in shock. Maki’s smile is sarcastic but she’s still wearing it and he doesn’t know what to make of it. His palms feel sweaty.

“Ouma told me,” shrugs Maki. “Well, he didn’t  _ tell _ me. I guess you guys had some kind of agreement or whatever and he wasn’t going to violate that. But he saw that you were avoiding me and asked if we’d broken up yet. It didn’t take long to put two and two together.” She tugs on one of her twin tails, glaring at the ground. “I figured something was wrong. You always acted so mechanical about hugs and kisses and what-not. I’m not that big on them either, but I figured you’d like them so I tried to put myself out there until I thought it was making you uncomfortable. I didn’t realise you’d be stupid enough to lie to me and enter a relationship that you didn’t wanted.”

“Harumaki--”

“No, it  _ was  _ stupid, Kaito,” Maki shakes her head, her brow lowering. “What, did you think that I’d end our friendship if you were honest with me? That all I’m interested in is romance? I didn’t develop feelings for you until January. I can deal with an unrequited crush.” She pauses, and then meets Kaito’s gaze again, frowning. “Unless you thought I’d lash out at you if you rejected me?”

She sounds so uncertain when she says it, worried, as if she would ever lay a hand on him, as if Kaito would ever think her capable of that. “No-- No, I obviously didn’t think that, it’s more--” Kaito flounders. This is not how he imagined having this conversation. He didn’t imagine having this conversation at all, actually. “I didn’t want to hurt you?”

And then she looks at him for a long moment, gaze unreadable, before cracking a small smile. “I’m surprised I didn’t guess that was the reason,” she sighs, shaking her head. “You  _ would.  _ Look, I’m more hurt that you didn’t tell me the truth. That you lied to me. But,” Maki releases another breath, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I get it.”

Kaito… wasn’t expecting to hear those words. It felt like more than he could dare hope for, understanding, even if he feels like  _ shit  _ that Maki ended up hurt regardless. But she’s right, he should’ve just been honest with her. Told her how he felt. Even if, at the time, he wasn’t even entirely sure what that meant. The knots in his stomach are gradually beginning to unravel, leaving something bordering on relief in this place. “So-- we can just be friends again?”

“No.” Maki’s answer is so abrupt that Kaito jerks, feeling like he’s just been hit. “I mean, yes, we can be just friends again, obviously,” Maki rolls her eyes. “But I think I need… space. I know that’s what you’ve been giving me the past week, but different than that. Space and time alone. To deal with it. I’m sorry,” she adds, giving him a sideways look. “I know that… you were just trying to help me, like you’re always doing, but I…” for the first time, a bit of emotion flickers in Maki’s red eyes. “I need some time to come to terms with the fact that my feelings were unreciprocated. And I mean really come to terms with it, having received confirmation, and all.”

“I get it,” Kaito says-- because he  _ does,  _ he gets it, and he pretends to ignore the knot that’s starting to form in his stomach, the bitter taste entering his mouth. “Take as long as you need,” and he almost tacks on her nickname at the end, calls her by the endearment he coined last summer, but doing so feels wrong. Like salt in the wounds that he gave her by lying and ghosting. He swallows around a thick lump in his throat, trying to ignore the way his eyes burn. He can  _ not  _ cry in front of Maki.

“It won’t be too long,” Maki sighs. “Just… y’know.” She shrugs. “I’m going to my lab. If you see Akamatsu, could you tell her? I’m sure she’ll find me eventually no matter what, but…”

“Yeah, sure, I can do that.” Kaito feels like he’s hearing his own voice underwater. Maki gives him a smile, a small one, and holds out the door to the main building as though to let him go through first, but he shakes his head, so she nods and disappears down the hall. He wants… well, he wants to go see his grandparents and burrow under the covers in his own home, forget that he might’ve completely destroyed his relationship with one of his best friends, but that’s not an option, so he turns around instead and starts to walk back the way he came.

The trip back to the dorms makes Kaito feel like he’s walking through jelly. His legs are numb and shaky and he feels like he’s going to throw up, or pass out, or maybe both. He passes a few people on the way, Rantaro and Tenko and Gonta, all known early risers, but if they say anything to him Kaito doesn’t hear it. He just keeps on walking on stiff legs until he reaches the dorms, grabbing the doorknob and twisting it, pulling the door open.

Kaede is standing in front of her door, locking it, and when she sees him she smiles tentatively, but he doesn’t want to hear her asking if he’s okay right now so he says, (a bit more gruffly than he means to), “Maki’s in her lab. She told me to tell you.”

“Oh? Okay,” Kaede walks over, bumping Kaito’s shoulder with her own as she makes her way to the door. “Are you o--”

“Fine,” Kaito blurts, cutting her off. He can’t see her face well enough to know if his abruptness hurts her, but he feels guilty regardless. “Sorry. I’m fine, Akamatsu. Go on ahead to breakfast, I’ll see ya later.”

There’s a low, doubtful hum from behind him. But Kaede’s always known when to push and when not to. “Okay, Momota-kun,” she says softly. “I’ll see you.” He listens to the sound of the door opening and closing, breathes in the smell of her honeysuckle shampoo until it fades from the air and feels lonelier than he was before once she’s gone. He’s really going to start crying if he stands here much longer. Kaito needs to get to his room and hide there, shove a pillow into his mouth to muffle the sound and cry his heart out. That’ll be for the best.

Instead, when Kaito’s feet move, they take him to stand outside of Shuichi’s door. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. Shuichi doesn’t get up until eleven at the earliest on Sundays. He likes staying up late and subsequently sleeping in, and since there aren’t classes on Sundays, he might as well spend his time lazing around. Kaito has no right to get in the way of that. Especially since he’s been ignoring him for the past several days. That doesn’t stop him from reaching up and ringing the bell, though. Only once. He doesn’t have the energy to do it multiple times, like he usually will.

The door opens surprisingly quickly, and Kaito’s eyes are closed when it happens but he still smells the strong smell of old books that always hovers around Shuichi, hints of cinnamon and brown sugar mingling with the familiar scent. He opens his eyes when he hears a surprised hum from in front of him, can hardly bring himself to meet Shuichi’s gaze, not knowing what he’ll see there.

But he makes himself, anyway, the way he hasn’t done in five days. And Shuichi isn’t hurt; he’s not angry or upset or even confused, really. His brows are pushed together and despite the mess of his hair and the fact that he’s still wearing his night clothes, a loose grey t-shirt and a pair of black sweat pants, he looks… alert. Worried, though. And overtly so. Kaito opens and closes his mouth. He doesn’t even know what to say, what he  _ could  _ say, that would somehow justify his coming and ringing Shuichi’s bell after days of radio silence.

“Uhm,” Shuichi clears his throat, managing a weak, albeit still concerned, smile. “Are you-- mm. What happened?”

The question is worded so delicately and yet Kaito feels himself starting to crumble when he receives it. It’s only been a month since he’s truly allowed himself to indulge in the warmth of Shuichi’s concern, the tenderness in his gaze, but even so-- it feels like a million years have gone by and it’s not  _ fair. _

“Momota-ku--”

“I fucked up, Shuichi,” Kaito manages to say. It comes out all choked and gasp-y and he hates the way it sounds, hates the way it makes Shuichi’s eyebrows shoot up on his face, but what he hates even more is how he feels when Shuichi’s entire expression softens, his lower lip rolling in between his teeth. “I think-- I think that--” he can’t make himself finish the sentence, even though he desperately needs to, desperately needs to be understood.

Shuichi lifts a hand, like he wants to touch him, but doesn’t. Instead it hovers there in midair, his brows pushing together in the middle. “What happened?” he repeats, softly.

“I think Harumaki hates me now,” Kaito whispers, and it’s barely even a whisper honestly but Shuichi seems to understand, because his eyebrows tilt down at the edges and his lips part slightly. Kaito’s half expecting him to turn and close the door, because he and Maki are so  _ close,  _ but he doesn’t. He doesn’t even move, really, much less respond with anger, or with-- or with rejection.

Instead he just says, “Oh, Kaito,” and it’s the use of his given name without an honourific that makes him break, tears making their way down his cheeks and an ugly, ragged sob pushing up and out from his lips.

(Thankfully, Shuichi has the quick thinking to grasp his arm and pull him inside his room, closing and locking the door before he turns around and tucks Kaito into a tight,  _ warm  _ hug.)

\---

Kaito is half-expecting Maki or Kaede (probably Kaede) to tell him to sit somewhere else for a time while Maki gets over what happened, but that doesn’t happen. Instead they both sit in the same spot as always, Kaito next to Shuichi and across from Kaede and diagonal from Maki, and they don’t really talk, but a few times they make eye contact and Maki’s lip twitches in a weird, repressed version of a smile, so Kaito thinks that perhaps things will be okay between them, given time.

During lunch on Monday he finds himself spacing off a several times, resting his elbow on the table and staring thoughtlessly over at Shuichi, who’s leaning across the aisle between tables to engage Korekiyo in a mostly one sided but equally enthusiastic conversation about some ancient civilisation that Kaito has never heard of before. There’s something about the way that Shuichi acts when he’s excited about a topic, his grey eyes sparking with intrigue and a wide, bright grin spreading over his features, that makes Kaito’s heart skip a couple beats.

And it’s not that Kaito’s never noticed, it’s just that he’s never thought anything of it. Shuichi is so… animated now, after a good amount of time at the academy. Nothing like that shy, withdrawn guy he was last year. Not that Kaito wasn’t fond of that version of Shuichi, either, but… it’s hard not to notice how much more comfortable with himself he seems now. And it’s difficult to keep from thinking about the way Shuichi held him yesterday, tucked against his chest with his hands combing through his hair.

Shit, that’s gay. Like, really gay. It occurs to Kaito all of a sudden and out of nowhere that actually, he… he doesn’t really have a problem with that. The gay thing, that is.

Oh, god damn it. Kokichi was right. That’ll be two favours he owes the guy, now. What a world.

(Not such a bad one though, Kaito muses, watching Shuichi cover his mouth with his hand as he starts to laugh at something Korekiyo said. Definitely not a bad one.)

**Author's Note:**

> :3 i didn't really proofread this lmao


End file.
